So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
