I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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