i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Randomize
