Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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