thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
