there's paper in my vomit.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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