omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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