anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
