he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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