pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i was born a porn star she said
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
