"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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