She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
