You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
