I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
