If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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