i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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