My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
he had hair everywhere except his balls
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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