I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
