Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
