I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
