There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
