I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
