The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize