Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
