So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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