i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
