And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
