he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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