i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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