she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
