don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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