And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I faked an abortion last night.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
