I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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