there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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