thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
