Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
