go do what you do best...puke behind churches
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
