I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize