Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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