Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
