I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
