You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
