I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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