um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Randomize
