I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I have already put on my inside pants.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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