If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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