I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
