I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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