you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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