You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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