I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize