We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
