Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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