He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
