I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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