I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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