I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
