I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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