my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
