mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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