Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
