I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
And then he peed in my hair
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