Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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