Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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