just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
