i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
