I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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