Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
