I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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