i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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